“When the Family Tells Us to Go to the Police Station” — Understanding the Hidden Tensions Behind Elderly Care Decisions

There is a type of incident that happens more often than people think.

It usually begins with a phone call or a sudden visit.

A frustrated son. A defensive daughter.

A sibling who hasn’t been involved in their parent’s care for months — sometimes years. And suddenly, when disagreements explode, we hear this sentence:

“Kalau kamu tak bagi saya masuk, saya pergi balai polis dan laporkan!”

It sounds dramatic. It sounds threatening.

But the truth is, this behaviour is not about the police.

It is about family dynamics, unresolved conflict, guilt, and fear.

And for those of us working in elderly care, this is a reality we face quietly, behind the scenes.

The Hidden Story Behind These Confrontations

Whenever a family member threatens police action, it is rarely about access alone.

Usually, it is a symptom of a deeper problem:

✔ Siblings who are not talking

✔ Siblings blaming each other

✔ Child A cares for the parent; Child B only appears when there is an issue

✔ Older adults with dementia who say things out of confusion

✔ Long-standing family trauma resurfacing

✔ Guilt from not visiting or contributing

✔ Family stress and burnout

Sometimes, the sibling who is least involved becomes the loudest.

The one who never joined medical appointments, never helped manage the parent’s finances, never responded when care support was needed — suddenly demands full access and immediate answers.

In many families, caregiving exposes wounds that were never healed.

Why We Sometimes Need to Control Visits

At ZACC MYTOWN, we do not prevent family visits without reason.

But there are situations where we must:

1. The patient is unstable or distressed

Too many visitors can overwhelm a frail or dementia patient.

2. The time is unsuitable (medication, showering, changing, fall risk)

Safety and dignity always come first.

3. There is a legal guardian / primary decision maker

We follow proper documentation to avoid family disputes.

4. Conflict between siblings escalates

We cannot allow arguments inside the centre — it stresses the patient.

5. The patient refuses visitors

In dementia cases, this is extremely common and very sensitive.

Our priority is always the wellbeing of the elderly, not the feelings of the family at that moment.

Police are Not the Enemy — But Not a Solution

We work closely with authorities, and most officers understand exactly what happens in elderly care settings.

When a family insists on going to the police station, we always cooperate calmly.

Once the situation is explained, the police often say:

“Ini masalah keluarga, bukan jenayah.”

“Pusat jagaan ikut prosedur betul.”

Threatening police involvement often comes from:

✔ panic

✔ misunderstanding

✔ guilt

✔ misinformation

✔ emotional stress

Not criminal behaviour.

The Emotional Truth: Families Are Doing Their Best, But Not Equally

In Malaysia, caregiving responsibilities often fall heavily on one child.

The eldest daughter. The unmarried son.

The one who lives closest. The one with the “most flexible job.”

The others assume someone else will handle it — until something goes wrong.

This imbalance creates:

• resentment
• anger
• burnout
• sudden confrontations
• accusations
• policing of each other’s intentions

When they come to ZACC, all those emotions enter with them.

And we, the caregivers, become the “referee” in a match we never asked to play.

How We Handle These Situations Professionally

We maintain calm, legal, documented protocols:

✔ Step 1: Clarify identity and relationship

✔ Step 2: Refer to primary caregiver / legal guardian documents

✔ Step 3: Assess the patient’s condition and readiness for visitors

✔ Step 4: Offer scheduled visits if immediate entry is disruptive

✔ Step 5: Document all conversations for transparency

✔ Step 6: Secure the environment — no fights, no shouting

Our role is not to choose sides. Our role is to protect the elderly.

What Families Must Understand

When we say “please wait,” or “not right now,”

or “please follow our visiting schedule,” we are not rejecting you.

We are protecting:

• your mother’s dignity
• your father’s mental state
• your parent’s recovery
• the safety of our residents
• the harmony inside the centre

A care centre is not a public space.

Every decision is made with clinical reasoning and safety in mind.

A Gentle Reminder to All Families

If you are going through a difficult period caring for an ageing parent, please remember:

✔ You are not alone

✔ It is normal to feel stressed

✔ Siblings may disagree, but the parent must remain the focus

✔ Visiting rules are not punishment

✔ Threatening staff does not help the parent

✔ Communication and cooperation do

Ageing is a family journey — but not every family travels smoothly.

Our Commitment at ZACC MYTOWN

We stand firm with one mission:

To protect the elderly with dignity, professionalism, and compassion —

even when family dynamics become challenging.

At the end of the day, our responsibility is clear:

The wellbeing of your loved one comes first.

Always

Sincerely,

Azraie Ishak & W. Salbiah MY